Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
