I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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