Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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