Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
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