it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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