if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I could fuck to npr.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
