to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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