the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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