You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
