So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
