just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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