Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize