what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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