So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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