I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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