You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
