the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
