Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
