I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Randomize
