***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
