Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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