I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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