a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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