Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I'm jealous of your bromance
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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