I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
