I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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