Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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