Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
that may or may not have been my penis.
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