He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
