so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
