Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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