Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
