I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
