Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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