farters have to be the big spoon...
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
