I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
