If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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