found the other keg... it's in the tree
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
