I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
