i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
