I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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