At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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