She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
