Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
