It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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