Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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