so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Randomize
