Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
