that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Vodka?
Forever.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
