She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
