What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
