Duck Duck Cougar?
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize