My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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