My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
