dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
