the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize
