Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize