You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
vagina is talking i cant
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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